On Friday, July 19th, 2019 my whole world got turned upside down. My worst nightmare is happening, my Mom has cancer. My Mom is my rock, she has always been the one to push me to chase my dreams. She has never once asked me to stay she has always supported my decisions no matter how crazy they may seem to her and now she has cancer. That word feels like a white-hot knife to the stomach.
A cancer diagnosis is scary for anyone, but I’ve been here before. I’ve seen what this can do, how this can tear apart my world. In 2004 right after Christmas, my dad went to the hospital with excruciating stomach pain. He had stage 4 colon cancer. I remember when they sat me and my sister down and told us. I didn’t realize my life would never be the same after that.
He fought hard, so hard to be there for us. He had rounds of chemotherapy and radiation in an attempt to be there for us. Finally, they had good news, the tumor had shrunk enough for them to operate. All looked good after that until he went for his 6-month check-up the cancer had spread.
I remember the first time they told me my Dad was sick but the 2nd time is burned into my memories. I can see it all playing out, my Dad sat us down on the couch and told us with tears in his eyes that the cancer was back. But he was going to fight and it would be alright. By then I knew what cancer meant, I knew that we would once again have to watch the light drain from his eyes as the chemo wreaked havoc on his body. He did not win that fight, in April of 2006 my Dad passed away.
Since that first time in 2004 the word cancer still makes me forget how to breathe. So when my Mom told me she had cancer all of this ran through my head. I wanted to scream and yell and curse the world. I am so angry with the world for allowing this to happen. I know everyone says life isn’t fair but this is a whole new level of fucked-up.
I’m trying to stay positive but man is it hard sometimes. I know this time will be different, they caught it early and medicine has advanced quite a bit in the last 15 years but that doesn’t make this less traumatizing for me.
Because of all of this, I have decided to take a break from the blog to focus on my family and honestly my mental health. If the mood strikes I will write a post here and there but I’d imagine I’m going to be quite busy in the upcoming months. I am upset to leave the blog right now but I know I don’t have it in me to continue right now, hopefully in a few months everything will have settled down and I’ll be back to my regular posts. Until then any and all positive thoughts and messages are welcome.
